What NOT to say to women who are TTC

 

A few days ago, I saw this cute pin on Pinterest that said “what not to say to a woman who is trying to conceive.”  I figured oh this will either be funny or informative.  Well, I was completely disappointed.  The post I went on to read didn’t mention ANYTHING about what NOT to say.  It said that the writer wasn’t willing to tell people she and her spouse were trying to conceive (TTC) because then others put stress on you.  So I figured, that I would write some common things I hear about TTC (I want to punch somebody in the face with some of these). I collaborated with my Sister in Law with these.

1.       “It will happen…”   Now, I get it.  Yes, I have one child already.  So I know that it will most likely “happen” again.  Sometimes, I just don’t understand and get run down because I got pregnant with him with minimal effort.  It took maybe 2 months. 

2.       “All in God’s time.”  First let me say that I am pretty religious (go to church, read my scriptures, pray, live the lifestyle/ culture that will ensue), but I hate hearing this… It enrages me.  Not to mention, what if I WASN’T religious?? That could seem insulting or be taken the wrong way.  What if the woman is struggling with her faith and a big part of it is BECAUSE of infertility problems, and then you say this?  It might not help the situation. 

3.       “My *insert female relative here* got pregnant immediately after she stopped trying.”  That is all fine and dandy Miss Johnson who lives down the street.  I feel much better. NOT.  I’m glad that happened for your relative.  What is that supposed to do for me?  I mean really… there is just no point in saying this. 

 

4.       “You are trying to have more kids?”  Wow.  Is it a crime to try to have more than one (two, or four) these days?  That’s not judgmental at all.  Sigh.

5.       “You’re so young.  You have plenty of time.”  Truth is… I’m not SO young.  I’m creepin’ up on 30 and we all have seen the statistics of high risk pregnancies (or of having one fail for some medical reason) after the age of 35.  I know that complications after that age will not necessarily happen to me, but all the same, it isn’t ideal for ME.  Some women wait until they are over 30 to have kids.  And more power to them.  That just isn’t what I would like to do. 

6.       “Losing weight might help.” This one doesn’t pertain to me, but my Sister in Law (SIS) heard this a LOT.  Weight wasn’t her issue, though.  You do not always have a VISIBLE reason to why pregnancies do not happen or do not “stick” as I say.

 

7.       “When are you going to have kids? You’ve been married a while?”  Maybe you should just not say this one either… even if the woman isn’t TTC.  Quite frankly?  It is none of our business when others are going to have kids. 

8.       “Oh just wait until you get pregnant! It’s so wonderful, etc” Because that isn’t a slap in the face.    

9. "What positions are you trying?", "What herbs/supplements are you taking?", "What are you eating?" Remember up on number 7 when I said some things aren’t our business? Yeah, this is another one of those as well. Sometimes, this even isn’t appropriate with some family members.

10."Maybe you should think about adopting. I've known quite a few families who couldn't have kids, that as soon as they adopted, they got pregnant!"That doesn’t really make people feel good either.Adoption is a wonderful option, but some women really want to have biological children. I know I would love to adopt (if we had the money for it) after I had a few more of my own biological children.

Basically, what I have tried to do here is get your attention.  Sometimes, we think that the above comments/ questions are encouraging or are our attempts to be helpful in this stressful situation.  But sometimes, the most helpful thing to do and say is to simply NOT say anything at all.  Love for all mommas and future mommas.  Baby dust for all!!

-Ashley

PS Please click on an ad to the right or below this post in hopes to raise some money for my little family. Thank you. 

For a look at what you could say in this situation, read my post here.